Finally Venting

There've been no podcasts, no politics, no provocation.  So much has happened since I last posted it's hard to know where to start.  It seems weird to start in with today without mentioning the last couple weeks.

On Wednesday, November 9, the worst day in American history of my lifetime (100x worse than 9/11), I flew to Hawaii for a week of vacation and Hopu Ka Lewa.  To call it surreal falls far short of capturing four hours of delays, a five-hour flight, and two bonus hours (thanks to flying west) on the day in which America entered purgatory.  For better or worse, while in Oahu, we tried to forget the real world (mention the election, take a shot).  We didn't need to commiserate, we all knew we were hurting.  We used our time on the beach and on the field to strengthen our bonds and remind each other of our capacity for love.  It was one of the best vacations I've ever had.  And we came up a few points short of winning the tournament.

Upon returning to Oakland the usual post-tourney depression was barely perceptible beyond the overwhelming sense of shock and the flood of emotions that came with my first 10-minute dose of NPR, my first trip to a public place.  I was having a hard time making eye contact with people at Trader Joe's where I know almost every employee.  I've never been more ashamed to be a white man.

Having fallen behind on my beloved podcasts I found I had to skip ahead a few weeks.  Anything from the pre-Nov 8 world is just too hopeful to handle.  I'm still going to recommend podcasts and try to communicate a positive vision for the future.  But it's hard right now.  Emotion is clouding my mind.  I have a million thoughts and an urge to shout them into the internet but a little sanity from somewhere says I might regret it.

This is what my intuition is telling me.  This year the whole world has been experiencing the devastating combined death-throes of three anachronisms: the nation-state (Brexit, Russia in Ukraine, Syria, Trump v Clinton), white supremacy (Brexit, alt-right neo-Nazis, police brutality), and patriarchy (fucking everything).  The idea of the United States is dead, not the beautiful ideas on which it was founded but the idea of it as a nation.  We have culturally speciated.  It will go on for many more years but it is no longer a vital idea serving us towards a future in which we thrive as a species.  The same goes for these other ideas, they will continue to inflict harm and will probably intensify before finally gasping their fated, final breaths.

Also, I don't want to hear how I need to sit down with the enemy.  In this fight the enemy is not a nation, a race, or any static group of people bound to their side by birth; the enemy is an idea.  Namely, the idea that sets humanity opposed to nature, that we are separate.  Anyone at any time is able and welcome to join the fight for justice (and survival).  But do not let anyone convince you to compromise or meet in the middle.  Yes, we must understand the enemy in order to defeat it, but we can not ingest even one drop of this toxic idea.

Politically, the only way the Democratic Party will get another national vote from me is if they fire everyone who participated in the recent national campaign.  It was their shit leadership that allowed this to happen.  They actively opposed their own best hope of winning in favor of putting forward one of the (extremely qualified by the standards of yesterday yet still) worst candidates in history.  They are completely blind to the reality of the people.  We need a new party and it should probably be led by Bernie Sanders.

What to do?  What to do?  If you really can’t force yourself to stand up, go outside, and organize, there are things you can do from the comfort of your laptop.  GIVE MONEY, as much as you can.  Give to groups that support marginalized communities whose jobs just became much more difficult.  The ACLU, NAACP, Anti-Defamation League, Planned Parenthood, Natural Resource Defense Council, and many other organizations will do good work with your money.

SUPPORT PUBLIC MEDIA.  A free press is essential to freedom and will be under constant attack for the next four years.  Become a member of your local PBS or NPR station.  You might even get a tote bag.

But if you only give to one cause please please please give to support the Standing Rock water protectors putting their lives on the line to defend native lands from federal-corporate exploitation.  This is the active front in the war and the protestors are fighting for all of us.  They need to winterize their camp immediately and you can help by sending money.  Not only am I hopeful for a victory in North Dakota, I am excited to learn about the new generation of leaders that will emerge from this battle.  If you have withstood a water cannon or chained yourself to a bulldozer, there’s one vote (and some campaign cash) for you right here.

Most importantly, don’t just think nationally.  It’s so easy to get overwhelmed imagining yourself as one of three-hundred million.  There are actions you can take right now in your own community to prepare us for what’s to come.  These actions have the additional benefits of no dollar cost, increasing your own sense of security, and carrying the distinct possibility of fun and/or happiness.

MEET YOUR NEIGHBORS.  Get up, go outside, knock on a door, and say hello to whoever answers.  It’s a little scary at first, and the person behind the door will likely meet you with suspicion but smile, tell them your name, where you live, and maybe offer them something you have in abundance (time, lemons, well-wishes, etc).  You will be amazed at how many people are gasping for connection, even if they are initially resentful you pulled them off the couch.  What if you’re already a Level 2 Neighbor?

GET ORGANIZED.  Google “(INSERT YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD) neighborhood association” and contact them.  Attend a meeting, volunteer at an event, pick up trash, take a walk without earbuds, do anything that makes your neighborhood a better place to live.  It doesn’t matter if you’re renting or don’t think you’ll be there long.  When we feel connected we are not fearful, when we are constructive we can not despair.

The United States government is not going to save us.  If you’re my age (31), you are going to live through more tumult and upheaval than you can probably imagine.  Science help you if you’re younger.  The skills and attitudes that got us to this point no longer serve you, purge yourself of the poisons of greed, racism, misogyny, and nationalism.  Your new skill set awaits right there between you and your neighbors.  Go get it.

Sacramento activist-poet Niki Jones said something last week that is still resonating in my brain.

“More of us than them, more of us than them.

Take up arms, mostly pens.

If this is a war then we’ll wage it,

it’s not what we’ve made it.

...Take up arms, sharpen your friends.”

I'll just leave this here for fun. But don't laugh.

Sept 10, 2009 - Post-Burn Email

Eternia and Beyond,

This year's burn did a lot for me so I feel inclined to reflect a bit as well. As you all know Emily and I are going on a grand adventure in about a week for an indefinite amount of time. That meant that the goodbyes I gave out were probably the most uncertain goodbyes I've ever given. Not that I don't intend or desire to return, you just never know. Throughout the week I ran into pretty much everybody I knew was on the playa and shared some really uplifting moments with ya'll but I think on whole my goodbyes were pretty weak.

It's probably a good thing I wasn't with any of you while the temple burned because I would have been an emotional wreck but the early morning hugs and Saturday goodbyes didn't really do justice to how I felt about being there with every one of you. The silence while the temple burned amplified the feelings that everyone was having at the time and I was essentially sobbing like a child so I'm glad I spared you all that. But if anybody thought I wasn't experiencing some very strong feelings saying sayonara to my closest friends in life, that's what this letter's for. Knowing that one is literally among the luckiest, most privileged 99.999% of people that have ever lived is sometimes a difficult position. A position that didn't get easier as things consistently got better for me/us over our college years and beyond. Putting aside consideration of who deserves what and how to best appreciate it there is one aspect of my/our privilege that is hard to feel guilty for: Us. One can't ignore the magnetism that occurs through good people that allows us to find each other. It seems it doesn't matter how many degrees of separation are between us, all it takes is an introduction and I know I've got a great friend. I can only hope that this process will continue throughout my life and bring me in contact with more people of such peaceful, loving character.
Knowing each and every one of you is the distinct honor and pleasure of my life. Someday we will all be back together again. Until that day, do your best not to let the "real" world into your deepest, brightest spots as I assure you there is nothing remotely real about it. Sometimes it seems as if everything is stacked against us, but we know; we have seen It. Stay beautiful, seek truth, and may something within protect you, Tyler
PS - Most of you are on Emily and I's email list for our travel blog. We have a shared email account that you will all get a message from shortly. However I would like to make sure I have everyone's name with their email and mailing addresses for postcard purposes if you so desire, so reply just to me with a semi permanent address.
PPS - In addition to our combined blog/email account Emily and I also each have personal blogs if anybody is interested in our individual takes on life. They can be found through our gmail profiles: jtylerwalker@gmail and emilyterrill707@gmail as well as the combined account tyleryemily@gmail.
PPPS - Major props to Chris Groh for the insane amount of work he did to make our camp as comfortable as it was! James, Jess, and the rest of the Cock-crew you blew my mind beyond my wildest expectations with how sick PCNBs was. Don and Marsha having you guys around makes me feel like we're a family. James thanks for re-rocking the staffs, life as we know it would be impossible without them. People I just met last week I hope I brought you something like the joy you brought me. Those who just popped their cherry, every privilege comes with a responsibility, never stop. I love you all.

Burn it to the Ground

The temple is burning. Thousands of people are staring, weeping. Everyone is silent except for those people who can't hold back their sobs of joy/anguish/relief. I'm one of those people failing to obey the silent rule, for all these reasons.

'After this, it's all over', is what I'm thinking to myself. I'm watching through my tears as my entire life up to this point is burnt to the ground. The temple means something different to everyone; to me, now, it means everything. It's my childhood, my adolescence, my successes, my failures, my education, my indoctrination, my attachments, my culture, and everything else that obscures me.

It takes longer than I expected for my losses to add up in my mind. Things I don't want to burn are edging ever closer to the heat and flickering light. This will be the last time I see some of these friends. These friends have shaped every positive aspect of my self; I'm not burning them. Joy for times passed and sorrow for a future now made of ash are what's keeping me from seeing straight. The flames are beautiful, the heat is spawning tornados every few seconds but I can't bring myself to watch it for more than a moment. I'm not hiding from the feelings but I'm afraid an unbridled reaction will incapacitate me. But maybe if I'd just let it out it wouldn't have lasted so long.

I'm glad it's not easy to escape it all. I may know that the things that I'm burning are harmful to me but they're connected at a depth that's painful to probe, like scraping under your gums to get the shit you should have protected yourself against. But it took more than twenty years to recognize this spiritual plaque for what it is. Reacting to things I once equated with myself being destroyed is reinforcing my desire to see them go. My attachment to these layers of nonsense is registering in my logical mind as an illness but my emotions are letting me know I wasn't entirely prepared for such shock therapy.

Of course there are things that will withstand even the most consuming conflagration. Positive relationships with positive people, my partner, and my quest for another way are the only things I keep hidden from the fire. Life in Black Rock City has shown me that there is both good to seek out as well as plenty of reasons to run. It has given me confidence beyond my external shell and convinced me there's another way. This new way won't be like anything I've ever experienced. It won't be like anything that's ever existed. The ultimate blank slate awaits.