Sept 10, 2009 - Post-Burn Email

Eternia and Beyond,

This year's burn did a lot for me so I feel inclined to reflect a bit as well. As you all know Emily and I are going on a grand adventure in about a week for an indefinite amount of time. That meant that the goodbyes I gave out were probably the most uncertain goodbyes I've ever given. Not that I don't intend or desire to return, you just never know. Throughout the week I ran into pretty much everybody I knew was on the playa and shared some really uplifting moments with ya'll but I think on whole my goodbyes were pretty weak.

It's probably a good thing I wasn't with any of you while the temple burned because I would have been an emotional wreck but the early morning hugs and Saturday goodbyes didn't really do justice to how I felt about being there with every one of you. The silence while the temple burned amplified the feelings that everyone was having at the time and I was essentially sobbing like a child so I'm glad I spared you all that. But if anybody thought I wasn't experiencing some very strong feelings saying sayonara to my closest friends in life, that's what this letter's for. Knowing that one is literally among the luckiest, most privileged 99.999% of people that have ever lived is sometimes a difficult position. A position that didn't get easier as things consistently got better for me/us over our college years and beyond. Putting aside consideration of who deserves what and how to best appreciate it there is one aspect of my/our privilege that is hard to feel guilty for: Us. One can't ignore the magnetism that occurs through good people that allows us to find each other. It seems it doesn't matter how many degrees of separation are between us, all it takes is an introduction and I know I've got a great friend. I can only hope that this process will continue throughout my life and bring me in contact with more people of such peaceful, loving character.
Knowing each and every one of you is the distinct honor and pleasure of my life. Someday we will all be back together again. Until that day, do your best not to let the "real" world into your deepest, brightest spots as I assure you there is nothing remotely real about it. Sometimes it seems as if everything is stacked against us, but we know; we have seen It. Stay beautiful, seek truth, and may something within protect you, Tyler
PS - Most of you are on Emily and I's email list for our travel blog. We have a shared email account that you will all get a message from shortly. However I would like to make sure I have everyone's name with their email and mailing addresses for postcard purposes if you so desire, so reply just to me with a semi permanent address.
PPS - In addition to our combined blog/email account Emily and I also each have personal blogs if anybody is interested in our individual takes on life. They can be found through our gmail profiles: jtylerwalker@gmail and emilyterrill707@gmail as well as the combined account tyleryemily@gmail.
PPPS - Major props to Chris Groh for the insane amount of work he did to make our camp as comfortable as it was! James, Jess, and the rest of the Cock-crew you blew my mind beyond my wildest expectations with how sick PCNBs was. Don and Marsha having you guys around makes me feel like we're a family. James thanks for re-rocking the staffs, life as we know it would be impossible without them. People I just met last week I hope I brought you something like the joy you brought me. Those who just popped their cherry, every privilege comes with a responsibility, never stop. I love you all.

Burn it to the Ground

The temple is burning. Thousands of people are staring, weeping. Everyone is silent except for those people who can't hold back their sobs of joy/anguish/relief. I'm one of those people failing to obey the silent rule, for all these reasons.

'After this, it's all over', is what I'm thinking to myself. I'm watching through my tears as my entire life up to this point is burnt to the ground. The temple means something different to everyone; to me, now, it means everything. It's my childhood, my adolescence, my successes, my failures, my education, my indoctrination, my attachments, my culture, and everything else that obscures me.

It takes longer than I expected for my losses to add up in my mind. Things I don't want to burn are edging ever closer to the heat and flickering light. This will be the last time I see some of these friends. These friends have shaped every positive aspect of my self; I'm not burning them. Joy for times passed and sorrow for a future now made of ash are what's keeping me from seeing straight. The flames are beautiful, the heat is spawning tornados every few seconds but I can't bring myself to watch it for more than a moment. I'm not hiding from the feelings but I'm afraid an unbridled reaction will incapacitate me. But maybe if I'd just let it out it wouldn't have lasted so long.

I'm glad it's not easy to escape it all. I may know that the things that I'm burning are harmful to me but they're connected at a depth that's painful to probe, like scraping under your gums to get the shit you should have protected yourself against. But it took more than twenty years to recognize this spiritual plaque for what it is. Reacting to things I once equated with myself being destroyed is reinforcing my desire to see them go. My attachment to these layers of nonsense is registering in my logical mind as an illness but my emotions are letting me know I wasn't entirely prepared for such shock therapy.

Of course there are things that will withstand even the most consuming conflagration. Positive relationships with positive people, my partner, and my quest for another way are the only things I keep hidden from the fire. Life in Black Rock City has shown me that there is both good to seek out as well as plenty of reasons to run. It has given me confidence beyond my external shell and convinced me there's another way. This new way won't be like anything I've ever experienced. It won't be like anything that's ever existed. The ultimate blank slate awaits.