'After this, it's all over', is what I'm thinking to myself. I'm watching through my tears as my entire life up to this point is burnt to the ground. The temple means something different to everyone; to me, now, it means everything. It's my childhood, my adolescence, my successes, my failures, my education, my indoctrination, my attachments, my culture, and everything else that obscures me.
It takes longer than I expected for my losses to add up in my mind. Things I don't want to burn are edging ever closer to the heat and flickering light. This will be the last time I see some of these friends. These friends have shaped every positive aspect of my self; I'm not burning them. Joy for times passed and sorrow for a future now made of ash are what's keeping me from seeing straight. The flames are beautiful, the heat is spawning tornados every few seconds but I can't bring myself to watch it for more than a moment. I'm not hiding from the feelings but I'm afraid an unbridled reaction will incapacitate me. But maybe if I'd just let it out it wouldn't have lasted so long.
I'm glad it's not easy to escape it all. I may know that the things that I'm burning are harmful to me but they're connected at a depth that's painful to probe, like scraping under your gums to get the shit you should have protected yourself against. But it took more than twenty years to recognize this spiritual plaque for what it is. Reacting to things I once equated with myself being destroyed is reinforcing my desire to see them go. My attachment to these layers of nonsense is registering in my logical mind as an illness but my emotions are letting me know I wasn't entirely prepared for such shock therapy.
Of course there are things that will withstand even the most consuming conflagration. Positive relationships with positive people, my partner, and my quest for another way are the only things I keep hidden from the fire. Life in Black Rock City has shown me that there is both good to seek out as well as plenty of reasons to run. It has given me confidence beyond my external shell and convinced me there's another way. This new way won't be like anything I've ever experienced. It won't be like anything that's ever existed. The ultimate blank slate awaits.
